A not so triumphant return

Let's not get the trumpets a-blarin' just yet folks. I'm back, but I don't really know what that means yet. I can tell you one thing, it means I'm fatter than ever. Ok, that's hyperbolic, but I have managed to gain back ten of the 20 lbs. lost in the past couple of months. Perhaps this whole not moving my body/eating like a fifteen year old boy with a great metabolism thing wasn't really meant for me.

I felt so overwhelmed when I left. So much pressure to do x, y or z. Real or imagined, it was impacting me in a really negative way. I felt really conflicted about my desire to love myself and my desire to change myself drastically, and I still don't know what the balance is for me in that regard. The two seem so oppositional it makes it really hard to wrap my head around what I should do. I know, I know, the whole "you're losing weight because you love yourself" and blahblahblah. I can say this much, that doesn't ring true for me. Rather, I function on its inverse, I want to lose weight SO I can love myself, but that seems to be 1) unhealthy, and from past experience 2) untrue.

So, I'm confused, to say the least. I don't know what to do with myself. I've been scouring the early entries, trying to re-discover that motivation, and it seems to be helping a little bit, but not enough.

I have hopes that coming back here, trying to flesh out what I'm feeling/doing outside of my dangerous, lonely little brain cave, will help me find what I'm looking for.

So yeah, I'm back(ish). I don't know if anyone is still reading, but if you are: Hey, how are you? How have you been? Did you miss me? Thanks for sticking around.

5 comments:

  1. I missed you! I totally read your blog, and find it motivational and feel sad when you don't succeed. I have a lot of the same problems you have with weight and food so it's nice to know someone out there feels the same way I do.

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  2. I missed you times 8,000. I'm so glad to see you back!

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  3. I'm still reading!

    www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com

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  4. Huzzah! Glad to see you back. :)

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