Remember when I started this little bloggyfrenemy? I was chockfull of motivation. I was hauling my ass to the gym at 5:30. I was eating so well. I don't know what happened. Ok, I kind of know what happened. I became obsessed with numbers and not health. Real shocker there, I know. I just went back (again) and read through those early posts, looked at what I was eating, how I was exercising, and though the weight loss was slow, it was still a loss. I have to go back to that.
What I need to do is eat like I was eating in the beginning (whole foods, mostly vegan) and do Weight Watchers rather than count calories. Basically, I need to eat healthily and not like a stoner (if you could see what/how I've been throwing down for the past few months you would be convinced I was a big old pot-head). I need to nix the sugar. It's been killing me (literally. We all know about how sugar is just poison, right?) and I have to stop. I can feel it in my body. I ache, I'm stiff, I'm swollen, and I know it's mostly the sugar.
The tiny screamer is so incredibly mobile now that I'm starting to understand all the people on The Biggest Loser when they would talk about not being able to play with their kids. She wears me out, and I want to be healthy and strong enough that she doesn't do that to me anymore (at least physically...and I know that she will always take it out of me, but I can't handle it to this degree).
I'm not ashamed to admit that the majority of my eating the past couple of months has been emotionally driven. We started a house-hunt in May, and are currently under contract (which I cannot wait to be through with) and Vegs started a graduate program that had him gone two nights a week. Basically, me + stress + loneliness = ridiculous food choices/no exercise-y. He's finished with his classes for the summer, and we should be closing on our house in a little over a week, so I'm hoping a lot of the feeling eating will move to the back burner. Though, I have been mentally making excuses for myself: "I'll start eating better when we move." "I'll exercise once we're in the new house." Waiting to live is such a sad and useless way to spend our days on earth. We don't/can't know the future, all we have is now, which means its time to make the changes that will make me feel good NOW, not waiting for health and happiness at some yet to be determined point in the future.
I'm not making any promises of what will come next on this blog. Every time I try and commit to something--food diary, food pictures, clothing pictures, 30 day writing challenges, etc. I come up short. So for now, I'm just going to try to stay on top of things, and slowly try to figure out what that means.