Wherein I do not consume a half gallon of ice cream in one sitting

Beyond a Rockstar Recover (have you had those things? I bought a case at Costco today. Delicious. It's like a diet Gatorade plus caffeine and a bunch of other crap) and a sip of Vegs' mudslide I was treat-free today! I have been eating so much sugar over the past few weeks. Like, multiple ice cream treats a day (which, if you are having an ice cream craving, let me suggest the vanilla cone at Sonic. The best soft-serve from a fast-food chain...if you're looking), multiple diet sodas a day, very little water. Basically, I've been eating nothing but sugar and processed foods, and I have been feeling it. Today, though, I ate really well and I feel good and healthy.

I have befriended refried beans. When I was a kid, I hated them. Hell, up into my mid-twenties I hated them, but at some point I decided to give them a go and now they are a quick and low-calorie way to get fiber and protein. I like to roll them in a tortilla with hot sauce and a little cheese, it fills me up for a long time.

We did Mediterranean night at the Julk-Ped casa and it was divine. I cheated and bought pre-made falafel at Costco (a complete ripoff, but it saved my sanity). I made a delicious tzatziki and had some with hummus and spring mix and pickles on a pita. I also made the most delicious mediterranean salad. Orzo pasta, spinach, red bell pepper, tomatoes, kalamata olives, cucumbers and a little feta cheese. Dress with red wine vinegar, lemon juice, a little olive oil, and a little bit of dill. I have plenty left for lunch for the both of us tomorrow.

When I went grocery shopping today I didn't buy any treats. This was huge for me. Normally I buy treats for Veg (or so I like to believe), but then end up eating most of them. The only thing I bought was a thing of chocolate chips so that I can make cookies and granola if we really want treats at some point this week. I would rather that I make them and know what I'm getting than just shoving a crapload of HFCS in my gullet.

Not much exercise today, beyond a lot of walking while shopping (so, so much shopping) but the food went so well I feel like I'm starting to get back on track.

The beginning

Remember when I started this little bloggyfrenemy? I was chockfull of motivation. I was hauling my ass to the gym at 5:30. I was eating so well. I don't know what happened. Ok, I kind of know what happened. I became obsessed with numbers and not health. Real shocker there, I know. I just went back (again) and read through those early posts, looked at what I was eating, how I was exercising, and though the weight loss was slow, it was still a loss. I have to go back to that.

What I need to do is eat like I was eating in the beginning (whole foods, mostly vegan) and do Weight Watchers rather than count calories. Basically, I need to eat healthily and not like a stoner (if you could see what/how I've been throwing down for the past few months you would be convinced I was a big old pot-head). I need to nix the sugar. It's been killing me (literally. We all know about how sugar is just poison, right?) and I have to stop. I can feel it in my body. I ache, I'm stiff, I'm swollen, and I know it's mostly the sugar.

The tiny screamer is so incredibly mobile now that I'm starting to understand all the people on The Biggest Loser when they would talk about not being able to play with their kids. She wears me out, and I want to be healthy and strong enough that she doesn't do that to me anymore (at least physically...and I know that she will always take it out of me, but I can't handle it to this degree).

I'm not ashamed to admit that the majority of my eating the past couple of months has been emotionally driven. We started a house-hunt in May, and are currently under contract (which I cannot wait to be through with) and Vegs started a graduate program that had him gone two nights a week. Basically, me + stress + loneliness = ridiculous food choices/no exercise-y. He's finished with his classes for the summer, and we should be closing on our house in a little over a week, so I'm hoping a lot of the feeling eating will move to the back burner. Though, I have been mentally making excuses for myself: "I'll start eating better when we move." "I'll exercise once we're in the new house." Waiting to live is such a sad and useless way to spend our days on earth. We don't/can't know the future, all we have is now, which means its time to make the changes that will make me feel good NOW, not waiting for health and happiness at some yet to be determined point in the future.

I'm not making any promises of what will come next on this blog. Every time I try and commit to something--food diary, food pictures, clothing pictures, 30 day writing challenges, etc. I come up short. So for now, I'm just going to try to stay on top of things, and slowly try to figure out what that means.

A not so triumphant return

Let's not get the trumpets a-blarin' just yet folks. I'm back, but I don't really know what that means yet. I can tell you one thing, it means I'm fatter than ever. Ok, that's hyperbolic, but I have managed to gain back ten of the 20 lbs. lost in the past couple of months. Perhaps this whole not moving my body/eating like a fifteen year old boy with a great metabolism thing wasn't really meant for me.

I felt so overwhelmed when I left. So much pressure to do x, y or z. Real or imagined, it was impacting me in a really negative way. I felt really conflicted about my desire to love myself and my desire to change myself drastically, and I still don't know what the balance is for me in that regard. The two seem so oppositional it makes it really hard to wrap my head around what I should do. I know, I know, the whole "you're losing weight because you love yourself" and blahblahblah. I can say this much, that doesn't ring true for me. Rather, I function on its inverse, I want to lose weight SO I can love myself, but that seems to be 1) unhealthy, and from past experience 2) untrue.

So, I'm confused, to say the least. I don't know what to do with myself. I've been scouring the early entries, trying to re-discover that motivation, and it seems to be helping a little bit, but not enough.

I have hopes that coming back here, trying to flesh out what I'm feeling/doing outside of my dangerous, lonely little brain cave, will help me find what I'm looking for.

So yeah, I'm back(ish). I don't know if anyone is still reading, but if you are: Hey, how are you? How have you been? Did you miss me? Thanks for sticking around.