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I have it then it's gone. WTF?

I'mma blame my period for finally showing up (sure, she leaves the country for 3 months at a time, then shows up un-announced--then eats me out of house and home) for this current bout of grossness. It's like I just don't care. Don't care about losing the weight, don't care what I'm putting in my body, don't care if I disappoint people, don't care if I disappoint myself. I just feel resigned in my fatness.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I start feeling like I'm falling short, and want to give up, is that I'm not all that invested in the end product. The more I think about, the less I care about losing a hundred, or even a hundred and twenty pounds. When I start thinking about losing weight, I lose my motivation. It just all seems so silly to me--wanting to weigh 140 lbs., this arbitrary amount of fat and bones and muscles and blood. When I start thinking about dropping a hundred pounds (or more) I start thinking about the easy way. Doing it quick, so it can be over with. But then what? Go back to the old me? I feel so overwhelmed by something that doesn't seem real, doesn't seem possible, doesn't seem necessary.

Maybe it's because I want to feel comfortable in my skin, no matter what the number on the scale says. Whether it's 250 lbs or 120 lbs., believing that I am valuable and beautiful and desirable regardless of my fitness or my fatness. I believe it about other people, so why shouldn't I believe it about myself? When I start thinking about losing weight in relation to this, I get confused and don't know how I should feel about any of it.

But then I think about how good I feel when I do the things I know I should to become a stronger and healthier person. When I make decisions that make my body work more efficiently, make me like being alive, I think maybe this whole weight loss thing might be okay. What I have to do is realize that I can do things that are good for my body and soul no matter how much I weigh, no matter what I look like, but that as I strive to be healthier in all aspects of my life, I will lose weight and that is a good thing. Not good because smaller is better, or because I am more valuable to the world when I take up less space, but because when I weigh less, I can do more things that I love. The less I weigh, the faster and longer I can run. The less weight I carry, the more energy I will have to devote to spending quality time with friends and family. I will spend more time hiking, less time complaining and hurting. I will dance more freely.

I know what I'm facing right now is a mental block, and it's the thing I'm going to have to overcome before I can move on. I can cut my calories, exercise more, drink more water, but until I can come to terms with the fact that I deserve to treat myself well, to not poison my body, to not let muscles atrophy, it's not going to mean anything.

I think I'll be skipping weigh-ins, tracking, etc. for a week or so (or fewer, or more) and listen to my body--exercise because it feels good to run outside, or to go on long walks, or to hike in my beautiful mountains; eat well because being nourished is so much better than being full. Basically, I need to be good to myself, and I can't do that if I'm just trying to lose weight.

2 comments:

  1. I have the same struggle a lot of the time. I start wondering if I just want to be thin because it's what the media wants, if it really is arbitrary. My fiance loves me the way I am, my parents love me the way I am, why try so hard to change that?

    But then I remember it's not about just the pounds or the way I look. It's about feeling like I accomplished something hard, and feeling proud of myself. It's about being healthy and being able to live longer with my soon to be husband. It's about being there for my (someday) kids, and hopefully their kids too. It's also about not being the fat mom/grandma who can't go swimming or running or play all day with her kids or grand kids.

    I know it's hard in the day-to-day, when that cookie looks so tasty or your bed is so comfortable. But honestly, its SO worth it in the long run--and NOT just because you will look good in a swimsuit. It's tacking years onto your life that you get to spend with your hubby and children.

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  2. i guess that's the point for me, meggie--i don't care about the numbers anymore (at least right now). what i do care about is making changes in my life that ultimately allow me to do the things i want/feel the way i want. i may never end up in a size 6, and i need to be okay with that. in fact, not only do i need to be okay with it, i need to not care about it. i need to know that one) this journey is not going to end when some arbitrary number of pounds is gone from my body, that the whole point is changing my life, not my weight. and two) size has no real meaning on my life, what does have meaning is how i feel about myself, and if i am healthy/happy/strong enough to do the things i want. if those things are in order, i don't care if i'm a size 2 or a size 20. ultimately, the case will be that i'm closer to the former, because healthy choices will lead to less weight on my frame--i just have to put the value on my person and not my body.

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