I have it then it's gone. WTF?
I'mma blame my period for finally showing up (sure, she leaves the country for 3 months at a time, then shows up un-announced--then eats me out of house and home) for this current bout of grossness. It's like I just don't care. Don't care about losing the weight, don't care what I'm putting in my body, don't care if I disappoint people, don't care if I disappoint myself. I just feel resigned in my fatness.
Sometimes I wonder if the reason I start feeling like I'm falling short, and want to give up, is that I'm not all that invested in the end product. The more I think about, the less I care about losing a hundred, or even a hundred and twenty pounds. When I start thinking about losing weight, I lose my motivation. It just all seems so silly to me--wanting to weigh 140 lbs., this arbitrary amount of fat and bones and muscles and blood. When I start thinking about dropping a hundred pounds (or more) I start thinking about the easy way. Doing it quick, so it can be over with. But then what? Go back to the old me? I feel so overwhelmed by something that doesn't seem real, doesn't seem possible, doesn't seem necessary.
Maybe it's because I want to feel comfortable in my skin, no matter what the number on the scale says. Whether it's 250 lbs or 120 lbs., believing that I am valuable and beautiful and desirable regardless of my fitness or my fatness. I believe it about other people, so why shouldn't I believe it about myself? When I start thinking about losing weight in relation to this, I get confused and don't know how I should feel about any of it.
But then I think about how good I feel when I do the things I know I should to become a stronger and healthier person. When I make decisions that make my body work more efficiently, make me like being alive, I think maybe this whole weight loss thing might be okay. What I have to do is realize that I can do things that are good for my body and soul no matter how much I weigh, no matter what I look like, but that as I strive to be healthier in all aspects of my life, I will lose weight and that is a good thing. Not good because smaller is better, or because I am more valuable to the world when I take up less space, but because when I weigh less, I can do more things that I love. The less I weigh, the faster and longer I can run. The less weight I carry, the more energy I will have to devote to spending quality time with friends and family. I will spend more time hiking, less time complaining and hurting. I will dance more freely.
I know what I'm facing right now is a mental block, and it's the thing I'm going to have to overcome before I can move on. I can cut my calories, exercise more, drink more water, but until I can come to terms with the fact that I deserve to treat myself well, to not poison my body, to not let muscles atrophy, it's not going to mean anything.
I think I'll be skipping weigh-ins, tracking, etc. for a week or so (or fewer, or more) and listen to my body--exercise because it feels good to run outside, or to go on long walks, or to hike in my beautiful mountains; eat well because being nourished is so much better than being full. Basically, I need to be good to myself, and I can't do that if I'm just trying to lose weight.