I have it then it's gone. WTF?

I'mma blame my period for finally showing up (sure, she leaves the country for 3 months at a time, then shows up un-announced--then eats me out of house and home) for this current bout of grossness. It's like I just don't care. Don't care about losing the weight, don't care what I'm putting in my body, don't care if I disappoint people, don't care if I disappoint myself. I just feel resigned in my fatness.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I start feeling like I'm falling short, and want to give up, is that I'm not all that invested in the end product. The more I think about, the less I care about losing a hundred, or even a hundred and twenty pounds. When I start thinking about losing weight, I lose my motivation. It just all seems so silly to me--wanting to weigh 140 lbs., this arbitrary amount of fat and bones and muscles and blood. When I start thinking about dropping a hundred pounds (or more) I start thinking about the easy way. Doing it quick, so it can be over with. But then what? Go back to the old me? I feel so overwhelmed by something that doesn't seem real, doesn't seem possible, doesn't seem necessary.

Maybe it's because I want to feel comfortable in my skin, no matter what the number on the scale says. Whether it's 250 lbs or 120 lbs., believing that I am valuable and beautiful and desirable regardless of my fitness or my fatness. I believe it about other people, so why shouldn't I believe it about myself? When I start thinking about losing weight in relation to this, I get confused and don't know how I should feel about any of it.

But then I think about how good I feel when I do the things I know I should to become a stronger and healthier person. When I make decisions that make my body work more efficiently, make me like being alive, I think maybe this whole weight loss thing might be okay. What I have to do is realize that I can do things that are good for my body and soul no matter how much I weigh, no matter what I look like, but that as I strive to be healthier in all aspects of my life, I will lose weight and that is a good thing. Not good because smaller is better, or because I am more valuable to the world when I take up less space, but because when I weigh less, I can do more things that I love. The less I weigh, the faster and longer I can run. The less weight I carry, the more energy I will have to devote to spending quality time with friends and family. I will spend more time hiking, less time complaining and hurting. I will dance more freely.

I know what I'm facing right now is a mental block, and it's the thing I'm going to have to overcome before I can move on. I can cut my calories, exercise more, drink more water, but until I can come to terms with the fact that I deserve to treat myself well, to not poison my body, to not let muscles atrophy, it's not going to mean anything.

I think I'll be skipping weigh-ins, tracking, etc. for a week or so (or fewer, or more) and listen to my body--exercise because it feels good to run outside, or to go on long walks, or to hike in my beautiful mountains; eat well because being nourished is so much better than being full. Basically, I need to be good to myself, and I can't do that if I'm just trying to lose weight.

Big Birthday Recap: or battle of the cookies

So, my hopes for a healthy birthday weren't enough to keep me actually doing it. I have gone over my points every single day this week, and I really wanted my birthday to be a clean slate. I guess today is my clean slate.

It all would have been ok if things had gone according to plan. Planning my meals is the way I can keep from going off track--if I'm hit with a curveball, at this point, I don't know how to respond. So, yesterday morning I was supposed to have breakfast at Communal before I picked up Evie, but she had been pretty rough on my sister the night before and we had a late start to the morning, so we opted to just drive and get her and pick something up on the way. Bad choice, number one.

We stop at Paradise Bakery Cafe. This place became a bit of a problem for me during my pregnancy. I would often stop there after my multiple (thank you pre-eclampsia/gestational diabetes) doctor's appointments and get myself a little something to eat. It was here that I met the lemon zest cookie for the first time, and started a bit of an addiction problem. Stopping here was bad choice number two.

Of course, once we get there, I have quite a few options for a reasonable breakfast. I even think I make a pretty decent choice, points-wise (I didn't, so I learn after the fact) of a breakfast sandwich on a bagel (bad choice number three). But then, I see them. The dreaded lemon cookie. I could indulge myself and get one. You know, a treat on my birthday. It's a cookie for crying out loud, it can't have that many points (it does). So, I let my weaker self make the decision, and order not one cookie, not two, but six. Which means they give me six free. A DOZEN F*CKING COOKIES (pretty sure this counts for bad choice four through 70). I have Vegs split one with me while we wait for our breakfast (yet another bad choice--dessert before breakfast? Come the eff on, Errin).

I inhale my 15 point bagel, egg and cheese disappointment, and of course, wouldn't you know, I want another cookie. So, I have one. I justify this to myself by saying I probably would have had something bad at Communal (I had planned on an omelet and some yogurt--not bad). I manage to get  home w/ the kid in tow only having consumed one and one-half cookies.

I drop off four at Bird's house (goodish choice?) and head upstairs to see the damage I've done. I plug everything into weightwatcher's and things are not good. Guess how much each one (ONE) of those cookies had--just do it. Guessed? Yeah. TEN. TEN FREAKING POINTS. That's a meal, folks. And I've already had one and a half, plus my fifteen point bagel sammy. 30 points. On breakfast. Eff. Em. El.

Ok. So I tell myself that I can still manage this day. I won't make strawberry shortcake for dessert, I'll have a salad for lunch--I can do it. I have said salad, sans dressing, for lunch, and have six points left for dinner. This was actually going to work. So I start cooking my polenta for dinner. The mushroom sauce  I'm making calls for a tablespoon of cream. I figure that's a reasonable splurge, especially divided  among four adult meals.

But guess what? Old, evil, lover-of-rich-and-fatty-foods Errin decided to take charge in the cooking process. As I'm tasting my polenta, I decide there's something missing. So I add a splash of cream. Then another. Then another. Soon I've added a full cup. Then I start making my mushroom sauce. A tablespoon doesn't cut it. So, another cup goes in.

At this point, I've resigned myself to the fact that I have just royally screwed this day. Dinner would have been delicious sans my self-sabotage, but I can't admit that to myself. I had a rough birthday day, and I wanted to make up for it (seriously--the breakfast damage haunted me all day long. Couple that with a baby who wants to make sure I don't leave her again by way of screaming at me all day long and I got to the point where I thought I deserved to treat myself...this is quite damaging, folks. Food cannot, and should not be a reward.) and I let myself enjoy two helpings.

Once everything was cleaned up, thanks to Bird and my husband, I decided to relax and watch The Voice (sidenote: this show is awesome. I love it so freaking much). And as I sit there watching, I am obsessing over the fact that there are five of those cookies sitting on my counter. I should have tossed them all. Instead, I ate two more, and went to bed feeling like shit.

I am so frustrated with myself. I have to keep telling myself that these were bad choices, that I'm not a bad person for making them. That it's not the end of the world. That it doesn't undo all my good work. That food is just food. It's neither reward nor punishment. It is not a marker of the kind of person that I am.

So, I'm back on track today. I'm spending a few days cleaning out my system after this disaster, Easter, etc. I want to be fully off of sugar, not because I want to deprive myself for "messing up," but because I know that it's bad for me, toxic even, and that I want to put good things in my body, because it deserves to be healthy. So, I'm staying off of all sugar for a little bit--no pastas or breads either for a little while, maybe four or five days, just so I can let my body calm down. Basically, I'll be eating a lot of tofu and salad for the next few days, drinking a lot of lemon water and getting myself back to the mindset/way of eating I know is best.

Reflection Time

I know, I know. I've been off the radar for a few days. Apologies, apologies, my heartfelt apologies. I know you just yearn to know about how I didn't work out, or ate a Magnum ice cream bar yesterday (I really did that, and holy hell, if you want to blow a meal on an ice cream bar, it's totally worth it. They had them when I was in Europe about a decade ago, and no lie, I have journal entries about them. That's a true fat kid for you. And yes, I realize this is a weight loss blog, so it's weird to be pimping super unhealthy ice creams. Do. Not. Care. So. Delicious. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Also realize this is an incredibly long parenthetical).

Well, on an up note, I've managed to keep my eating relatively clean the past few days. No Easter candy here, folks. But it's certainly not where I'd like to be (though I was down 1.8 lbs this weigh in). More exercise, cleaner eating. These are the goals, peeps.

Which brings me to today. It is my last day at 28. One more year in this decade. One more  year to right my wrongs, to make up for things I've missed out on. One year to make my twenties seem pretty freaking good.

Granted, I've had some amazing things happen this past decade--met and married the love of my life, made amazing friends, became closer with my family, brought my sweet little Evie Kate into the world, graduated from college (twice), became a stay-at-home mom. These big things are the life-changers, the things that will stay with me, and I can look back on my life and be really happy with it.

But, my twenties were also host to a lot, and I mean a lot, of turmoil. Deep, deep depression. Infertility. Thyroid problems. Bad relationships. Dealing w/ a lot of crap from my past. Gaining over 100 lbs. Losing sight of the things that make me happy. Hard pregnancy. Lady business that doesn't work. Opportunities wasted. Losing friends. A myriad of other things. So yeah, there have been a lot of things in my twenties that I would gladly gloss over. However, I also realize that they are a big part of the person I am, and the reason I want to make healthy and positive changes, so I can't just whisk them away, pretending they never happened.

What I can do is remedy my twenties. I want to spend the last year of this decade making up for lost time, healing wounds, repairing burnt bridges, you name it. Why not? I shall leave this decade with a bang and not a whimper. I have resolve to make my next 28 years as good as I can, and I know that I'm the only person that can dictate that--regardless of outside forces, it is up to me to make what I can of my life.

So, I'm spending my last day at 28 doing the things I should have been doing all along. I've eaten well, I got in a great workout, I'm playing with Evie, seeing friends, spending time with family, getting good sleep (thanks to my sister, who is giving me the best birthday present ever by taking the kid for the night), and I will spend 29 fixing the rest.

I have big plans, people. I've updated my 30 before 30 list, and am ready to tackle every single one of those em-effers. I have my plan in place to lose the weight, but more importantly to become the healthiest me that I can. I've set up workouts with my brother-in-law who is becoming a personal trainer 3 days a week. I have menus planned for every meal, including their points, I am ready!

Happy birthday to me (tomorrow)!

Not putting your baby down all day

That counts as exercise, right? It felt like exercise, and that's all I managed to do today. Not just all, exercise-wise, but in general. No shower, no getting out of PJs, no cleaning the house, nothing. Just trying to quell the screams of a tiny teether. So help me, these bad boys better cut, or I might just lose my mind.

Seriously, people, how do you do it? How do parents manage to do anything? This job is seriously much harder than I could have imagined.

No other updates, other than I managed to stay on top of my food today. Stayed within points, no sugar, etc.

A new place to run

Yesterday I thought I wasn't going to get in a workout. We had a date planned for the evening, and my attempts around eleven were thwarted by cold, whipping winds. I'd have even gone to the gym and taken the kid to the childcare center, but she has a cold, and I'm not into infecting other people with our germs (even if I were, they are supposed to only accept healthy kids). I could have dropped her off with some friends, but by that point I was just feeling defeated, and naptime was nigh.

So, she napped, briefly. But by the time she woke up, the sun was shining. Vegs called to see if I was going for a run since the weather had changed, but I was just feeling cranky and gross and didn't want to go. Thanks to the kid's short nap, though, I forced myself outside, if only to quell her shrieks (this kid is LOUD if she doesn't nap for long enough). Vegor had the car, so I knew my trail run wasn't an option, which meant just hoofing it through suburbia.

Guess what? I LOVED it. LOVED. It was around 3 PM, and save a few tweens walking home from school the roads were deserted, meaning I just ran down the middle of the road, and moved if a car approached. It's right in the middle of everything, so it doesn't feel as creepy, like I'm going to be attacked. The terrain is relatively flat, but with a few challenging hills (which I ended up running, by the way) and it's all super-big houses which makes me create horribly dark tales about the goings-on within (hey, you gotta pass the time somehow, why not wonder if that was a shriek you heard coming from the basement window?). I did the Couch to 5k workout from week 2, twice. I really love that as a workout, I end up getting in about an hour of exercise, but don't feel bored, ever. I'm so happy to be able to go outside to exercise (though who knows my fate for the rest of the week).

Album of the day
Lupe Fiasco--Lasers
I feel like just having this on my ipod ups my cool by like 100 points. It's above my cool level, but when I listen, I pretend that I'm not a big nerd.

Day 19 
A Talent of Yours
I think I'm pretty damn funny. My husband is the funniest person I have ever known, and I can make him laugh, which is a pretty good ego boost. I think I always went to funny to compensate for being fat when I was growing up, but I'm glad I did. My sense of humor is all over the place, from the super-dry to slapstick to puns to absurdity. I'm always looking for something to laugh at, and can usually find it.

Day One, everywhere

Today was day one for me all over the place. Day one of my 12 week health challenge, day one of the Super-Bitchin’ Rockstar Challenge and day one of my 7 day chip quest. Overall, it was pretty good. The only place I lacked was exercise (real shocker, eh?). Fortunately, I’ve built in one free day for myself to not exercise (knowing my lazy ways), unfortunately, it’s all used up. 
Today was the first time I’ve eaten a full day vegan in a long time, and it reminded me how much I love eating that way (as long as I’m eating whole foods). I had a veggie wrap and carrot ginger soup at Ginger’s cafe (umm. Excuse me, local vegans? WTF? Why didn’t you tell me about this place?). I even had a treat, a raw macaroon from Raw Melissa (delicious), and since I’m just trying to stay away from sugar, and not necessarily sweets, I didn’t even feel guilty about it (sweetened w/ agave). For dinner I made an attempt at the sauce I posted yesterday. I didn’t have a lemon, and I left out the chickpeas, but it turned out pretty well. Vegs even went back for seconds. I served it with sauteed vegetables and spinach over brown rice w/ baked tofu. 
I also managed to drink my gallon o’ water today. I’ve been really struggling w/ this the past few days, so it was tough, but I definitely feel better after doing it. My skin feels better, my lips aren’t chapped, and I don’t retain water. I’m also fuller all day long.
I have to say that the very hardest part of all of my challenges is the internet diet I have put myself on. It has become clear to me that it really is an addiction for me, and I don’t want anything in my life to have that kind of pull. All day long, I just kept looking at my computer, thinking I could just hop on for a few minutes, and that it would be okay, but I also knew if I did that it would cut out of my time in the evening, which is something I really didn’t want to give up, so I, shocker of all shockers, just played with my kid. We danced, we sang, we read. It’s not that I don’t play w/ my kid when I’m online, but sometimes I will sit with her on my lap while I look at the internet, or let her play next to me while I am online. This is not what I want to be, not the example I want to set, not how I want to spend my life. 
So, I installed a stopwatch on my dashboard, and every time I get online, I click the little start button. I’m even writing this post in a word-processing program rather than into blogger itself (which might not seem like a big difference, but it means no clicking here or there to look at something else that might be interesting to me, no checking my facebook in the middle of a post, etc.)
Album of the Day
The Jayhawks--Tomorrow the Green Grass
I remember the first time my parents let me take my walkman to school, I was in the sixth grade and I used it during my gym class. I listened to this tape. It’s a very weird fit for an 11 year old, but I really liked it. I still really like it. I guess I’m just glad I had such mature taste in music growing up ;)
Day 18
Evie magic.

Friend Making Monday #2

FMM: The Grocery Store

1. Do you make a list when you go grocery shopping? Do you stick to it?  When I do make a shopping list, I stick to my budget a lot better, and I tend to purchase/make healthier foods. I would say I make/stick to my shopping list about 60 percent of the time.

2. Do you buy more groceries when you're hungry?   Yes, yes and yes. And always the worst foods.

3. Coupons. Use 'em?  Only if they're already on the product.

4. Have you ever complained to the manager of your grocery store? No, but I have requested items from management.

5. Do you like to buy groceries at huge chain stores like Wal-Mart and Target? Or do you shop exclusively at food stores?  I don't like to, but that doesn't mean I don't.

6. How much time do you spend reading labels in the grocery store? Not much, only if I'm buying new information.

7. Do you push your own grocery cart to the car and return it? Yes I do. I believe it's how you get to heaven. I also bring other people's carts back.

8. What is the one food item you always buy at the grocery store that you must have in the kitchen? Greek yogurt, bananas, almond milk.

9. Do you enjoy grocery shopping?  Nope, I hate it. I hate it so, so much.

10. How often do you shop for groceries? Once a week, if possible. Man. I hate it so much.

Homebody Sunday

I want to make this sauce, so much. So, so much. MMMMMM Sauce. I have really been slacking on cooking at home, relying on quick fixes, and it feels kind of gross. I need to get back to my vegan cooking ASAMFP, and that mmmm sauce is going to be my beginning.

We did the most cooking I've done all week, and that was pita, hummus and other mediterranean foods (way too many kalamata olives) and the most exercise, on a 3 mile walk. It was still a weird day--so tired from Little Miss So-and-So keeping me up all night. But the house is clean, and I am ready for the new week.

I feel like my posts have been kind of boring and whiny lately. I'm sorry. That shi is about to change. Well, at least I hope so. I apologize, anyway. Just know that I'm gonna be on the motivation train. Choo effin' choo.

Album of the Day
Rilo Kiley--More Adventurous
If this whole listening to an album a day was intended to open my musical horizons (I don't even remember why I started this, but I'm holding on until the end of my 30 days) but it hasn't. I pretty much just listen to the same stuff I always do, just listening to the whole album instead of just a few songs. I'll start listening to out of the norm stuff next week, but for now, this album has probably been played one bazillion times by me since it came out. All I want to be is tiny, beautiful, angel-voiced Jenny Lewis.

Day 17
An Art Piece
So, love of my life, Kieren made this for me. It is one of my most prized possessions. Not exaggerating. I would grab it in a fire. No one has ever made me something so beautiful. She is a brilliantly talented artist, and one hot momma! She is also my twin in about a million ways and I love her.

Spring has sprung

Does paddle-boating count as exercise? I'm saying yes, in which case, I actually got some exercise for the first time in far too long. We had a wonderful day, spent with friends and family. We did our standard Saturday brunch with some dear friends and then went to my parents' to let Evie hang out w/ the animals. She played with bunnies, chickens, dogs, and an old turkey, and it was ridiculously cute. Veg and I took a spin around the pond on a paddle boat. I could have stayed out there forever (were I not terrified of angry geese attacking me).

I had a little binge this morning. Not thrilled about this, and it seemed to be completely hormonally driven, because it almost felt like a pregnant binge (not. At least, according to my trusty Target-brand pregnancy tests. I wouldn't know, based on symptoms since it's been a whopping 65 days since Auntie Florence stopped 'round these parts. FUH!) where I was responding to something physical, not emotional/mental. While I'm certainly not happy about the over-indulgence, I feel much better when it's something like this rather than when I'm eating my feelings (boohoo). At least I managed to stay within my points, though I haven't eaten since lunch (which is fine--completely unhungry, still).

Can I tell you how much I'm looking forward to my 12 week challenge? There's a category for overcoming addictions/changing things in your life. I'm thinking of cutting down my internetting by A LOT. I seriously spend way too much time online. I'm going to aim for 1.5 hours per day, which might be a lot to you, but isn't much for me. From the time Evie goes down to the time I go to bed, I'm pretty much on the internet, not to mention the times when she's napping. I know. It's ridiculous. So, I'm limiting it. Hopefully after I'm done w/ the 12 weeks I can reduce it even more. I have so much that I want to be doing, that I've limited myself from thanks to my dependence on the old interwebs. I plan on getting so much reading and sewing and exercising done!

Album of the Day
Lyle Lovett--Road to Ensenada
Lyle is one of my favorite country musicians, and it's the kind of country music I prefer listening to. Not alt-country, per se, but certainly not the pop country that is on the radio (not that I don't have a soft spot in my heart for that, too, but I will only listen to it in the hot hot summer).

Day 16
A song that makes you cry
Oh, how I spent my early twenties listening to this song, over and over and over again, thinking I was so deep and sad. Maybe I was, it certainly felt that way.

Ask, and ye shall recieve

After a long week and pretty much just staying away from all the things that do good for my life, and with a few unsuccessful tries at getting back on board, I had the intervention of a couple of friends, and it couldn't come at a better time.

First, I got a facebook message last night from a friend from high school who is starting a 12 week healthy living challenge. Basically, people pay into a pool, and then weekly get points for doing things that are healthy. So it's not just about losing the most weight, but about really getting into healthy habits. I was one bazillion percent SOLD. (Also, if you're interested in doing it, we start on Monday, I can get you in touch with my friend before then.)

Less than 12 hours later and Colleen, one of my favorite twitter friends/heroes/inspirations blogs about the 16 week super-bitchin' rockstar challenge. She wants to lose 37 lbs in 16 weeks before her trip to the Bahamas (lucky!) so now, it's setting a specific amount you want to lose in 16 weeks and trying to get there. My goal is 40 lbs, which is 2.5/week--nothing to sniff at.

These two things were just what I needed to get back off of my ass and going, going, going. I'm done dealing w/ the drama of this past week(end) beyond being supportive to my family, so I am not letting myself be distracted any more.

Album of the Day
The Age of Adz, Sufjan Stevens
If I could carry a musician around in my pocket all the time, it would be Sufjan. So amazingly talented. It's not for everyone, to be sure (Vegs thinks its really self-indulgent), but I think it's perfection. This particular album is a departure from his earlier, folky stuff, which I prefer, but I still think this album is divine.

Day 15
A fanfic
ModCloth--Beach Blanket Bingo
I don't really know what this means, so I'm ignoring it. Instead, shouldn't I buy this swimsuit at the end of my 16 week challenge? 

Seriously dudes?

Who wants to just call this week a wash? I mean, I won't, but every single day it's something. Today it was lunch w/ my parents and grandmother at a buffet restaurant (which managed to make me feel sick after a salad and a potato...msg, perhaps?) that took 2 hours. I actually had a really good time, but it made me feel unhealthy and provided me yet another excuse not to exercise. Bluh to the erg.

Tomorrow I will walk. I will not run, I will not lift weights, but I will walk. Not that I don't want to do the other things, but if I say I'm going for a run, going to the gym, etc. for some reason I conspire with the fates to find reasons to stay away. Walking, I will do, because I want to get out of my house. So a walk will set the precedent.

I have to admit, I think one of the reasons I've been struggling with keeping up with my goals is because I haven't been on twitter for a few days. It helps me so much to be in contact all day long with other people who are working towards similar goals. How weirdy is it that twitter is such a good motivator for me? And I'm really new to the weightloss twitter game, so I can only imagine it becoming more helpful.

Ok. On to other things. New days, new choices, blahblahblah.

Album of the Day
Low, C'mon
I have listened to Low off and on for awhile, but Ashley is kind of obsessed, and posted this video on facebook yesterday. UNCLE JESSE! IS MORE HANDSOME THAN EVER! (which I already knew, from the exponentially awful Glee. I too, gave up on Glee, Alicia, but I will hold out for Grey's Anatomy) So, I downloaded the album. Love it. Love it. Love it. The end.
Day 14
A non-fiction book
Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver
This book is directly responsible for this journey I'm on to become healthier. I read it a few years ago, and it completely changed the way I viewed food. It set me on the path toward wanting to make better decisions about food. More whole foods, more vegetables, more local foods, etc. It's not necessarily the way I view food now, but when I first read it, I wasn't really thinking of food as part of culture, health or anything beyond something that got shoved in my gaping maw.

Bare Minimum

I'm really glad I have my monthly goals set out for me. I know that I've already missed my 100 percent on them, but they really do help me make better choices throughout the day. Today, it took everything I had to stay on top of them,  by the narrowest of margins, but by golly, I did it, though I might be stretching pretty thin on some of these (ok, just one. Exercise, of course).

I have such a hard time exercising when the rest of my life is not in order (namely, my house isn't clean). I can't wrap my head around prioritizing exercise above my house/kid/friends/family/etc. I know I need to do it, just commit to going, but I struggle figuring out the whens and whats. Night time works well, sometimes, because I can just leave the sleeping babe, but that's only 3 nights a week--though I guess that's better than nothing. I know good weather will help, but I have to stop excusing myself because of weather when I have other options available.

Another area I struggle in is going out to eat. If I can look at the menu online before I go, I try to plan out my meal and track it before I even eat it, to keep myself honest. But, if I have to make choices on the fly I'm not quite skilled enough w/ the points system to make the best choices. For instance, today I went to lunch with some of my dearest friends, and thought I was making healthy choices--veggie omelet, english muffin, hash browns. I knew the hash browns weren't the best choice, but I thought I would just eat a few, I mostly wanted something to let the kid chomp on. What I should have ordered? Egg white omelet, no cheese, fruit instead of hash browns. I'm getting better, though. I didn't go for the french toast (which I really wanted) which was a big step for me.

Album of the Day
Fleet Foxes--Fleet Foxes
Beautiful songs. Beautiful harmonies. Amazing. I listened to this all the time when I was pregnant to keep my blood pressure under control. Their new album Helplessness Blues is amazing. They are playing at Red Butte Gardens this summer and that's the only concert I care to go to all year long.

and, as a bonus, here's First Aid Kit (another one of my favorites, I'll probably listen to their recent release as my album of the day very soon) covering Tiger Mountain Peasant Song. Oh. Delights.

Day 13
A fictional book
Maps for Lost Lovers
This book is the most heartbreaking of love stories. You will cry and cry and cry. I loved this book enough to have a passage tattooed on my arm (yeah, I'm a lit nerd. Get over it). The passage reads (and it's kind of a throw-away line in the novel, which blows my, people) "Language can provide some refuge from terror." I'll let you ponder on that for awhile. It means a lot to me, on multiple levels.



Sorry. Things got real crazy 'round these parts for a couple of days. I'm not going to go into it, as it's not really my place to do so, but it was necessary that I take a break from myself for a few days to help some family members. A lot of sadness, a lot of stress, but things seem to be heading back toward positive.

I couldn't tell you if I've been within my points these last few days, I know I was on Sunday, because I only ate breakfast, but beyond that, I've not been very conscious of my food choices. Pizza two nights in a row = me not feeling that great. Also, I had some sugar for the first time in almost two weeks today, and it, with the combination of no exercise have me feeling just plain garbage-y.

One nice thing (silver linings, people) about my lack of healthy choices is seeing immediate effects. I've been eating so clean and healthy for the past few weeks that changes to that are apparent in the way I feel almost immediately. I'm more than ready to get back on track in the morning.

My non-healthy choices haven't been that extreme, given the decisions I would have made a few months ago, which makes me really proud of the changes that I have made, that I've genuinely created a new lifestyle for myself, which was one of my main goals. That's not to say there aren't deviations, but, healthy, whole-food choices now come as a first thought, eating processed foods comes with a lengthy internal debate. I know now that I have to drink a gallon of water a day to feel like I'm not retaining water, and to manage my appetite. I'm learning, people!

Let's talk about other good things. My weigh-in! I was so happy to finally reach that freaking 20 lb. mark. I'm only 6 pounds away from my 10 percent goal! I would love to be ten pounds lighter by the end of the month, too, so I plan on working my booty off. I can definitely tell a difference, having lost this initial chunk. Exercise isn't as difficult, clothes fit better, just moving is easier. I'm still feeling really motivated, and seeing that loss only motivated me more.

I haven't listened to any albums for the past few days, but will be back on it tomorrow. I can catch up on the rest of my 30 days baloney, though.

Day 10
A Picture Taken Over 10 Years Ago

This may be from less than ten years ago. I'm pretty bad at tracking time. It's likely older than 10 years, though (I had this job for awhile). This was one of my favorite jobs I've ever had. I always met really fun people, and all I had to do was make coffee and be friendly. Pretty good. I also like this picture because it's about the weight I would like to be at when I finish this whole thing. I was running/hiking like crazy when this was taken, and felt really good about myself. Oh, how I long to be back in this golden girl body.

Day 11
A picture taken of you recently

Evie Sneeves and I (Kieren gave her that nickname, and boy, it has stuck!) The talented Ashley Thalman  took this, and I love it.

Day 12

Are you obsessed with Sassy Gay Friend? Because I am. You're welcome.

So ready to start anew tomorrow. Day 1 of #7daychip, and of my #100daychipquest.


Down 3.2 lbs. this week. That means I am 20 pounds down since I started in January. More later, but I feel really good. This is working!

Dear Orem Rec: What The Fuh?

Ok. I get it, it's a "community center" and people in the "community" want to "get ready for Sunday" (as the old primary tune goes). But, seriously? Closed at 7:30 on a Saturday night? You. Suck.

I'm glad I stayed on track with my food today (even in going out for Indian. Traded in my beloved garlic naan for papadams. Sadface) because apparently I won't be burning any calories tonight, except for from some squats, pushups and crunches. And that is beyond lame.

I had this whole Biggest Loser "last-chance workout" idea of really kicking some cardio ass tonight. Spend an hour or so on the elliptical/treadmill/bike, do some speed workouts on the track, then do like a billion crunches. Nope. None of the above. I feel like I should still get the calorie drop from the attempt to go. It also makes me wish we lived on ground level, or at least that the floor/ceilings weren't so crappy that my downstairs neighbor's light fixtures didn't shake when I jumped, so that I could do a p90x workout or something. Those plyometrics will make your heart explode, in a good way, and I could have used that tonight.

The weather is supposed to clear up for at least tomorrow and Monday, so I'm going to try and get in a couple of C25K workouts, but man, the whole point was to do those things before my stinkin' weigh in.

Speaking of weigh-ins, I haven't been keeping very good track here of pounds lost, inches lost, etc., so I plan on updating all of that tomorry. One thing I can say is these past couple of weeks, largely due to the support/common goals from my #7daychip friends, my motivation is back where it was when I started this, and that gives me great hope as I stare down the next 80 pounds or so.

A few changes to the ol' blog here, too. Unless it's particularly pertinent, I'm no longer going to post what I ate or wore directly in posts, but instead am putting them in there own pages. This will keep them separate and make it easier for me to see them all at once.

Also, I suppose I have a bit of catching up to do on some of my other goals:

Album of the Day
Adele: 21
Who loves Adele? You all should. Her voice is so damn dreamy. I love this album.

Cat Power: You Are Free
Chan Marshall has the most beautiful voice in the entire world, and this is one of my absolute favorite albums of all time. It is good for rainy, lonely days.

Seed-at-Zero: Seed-at-Zero
This album was put out this last year by my friend Whitney Mower. Well, we are kind of friends. I have a girl crush on her, and we had some classes together  and we both dated the same dude. I wish we were more of friends, but I think she is out of my cool league, and that's okay. I think her voice is just stunning, and her songs are beautifully written. You can buy the album Seed At Zero on amazon. I vote yes on that move.

30 Days
Day 7
A photo that makes you happy
This picture is from waaay back in the day. At least ten years ago. I like it because these are friends I will always love, no matter how long it goes in between seeing them, no matter how much we change, how our views on the world may differ, I feel like we'll always really still love each other. This was taken at a concert by a particularly cheesy band that most of you won't know, but let's just say I'm pretty embarrassed by my past obsession. I'm the blondy one in the middle. This just made me want to scan in a bunch of old pictures and put them up on facebook.

Day 8
A photo that makes you sad/angry
This is from when Evie was born. It only makes me sad because after my c-section this was the only time I got to see her for almost 2 hours. C-sections suck. I mean, they are kind of awesome because, poof, your baby is out, but I really feel like I missed out on some integral bonding time with my baby that made the first few weeks of motherhood exceptionally hard. I also had big plans for an unmedicated birth, and things like gestational diabetes and preeclampsia kept that from happening. If I had been at a healthy weight, chances are really good I wouldn't have had to deal with these problems. I know that those things aren't always weight-related, but in my case, they were.  I'm incredibly happy and lucky that I have such a sweet little girl, and I am just glad that she's here after so many years of trying, but I still feel a little cheated. Basically, it's a constant reminder of my body not doing what I think it should.

Day 9
A picture you took
Last weekend, though the weather was garbagey, we took a long drive out onto Utah Lake. There were so many baby animals along the way, and I was in absolute heaven. We stopped the car so I could get out and talk to these sheep, but I'm not as much a Snow White as I think I am, so they all bolted.

Fangs for nothing

Where did you go, Errin? Why did you disappear? You were doing so well. Yeah. I know. This round of teething has put me through the ringer/wringer (?). 3 consecutive nights without sleep (ok, without sleep in longer than hour spurts) and days filled with screaming have not boded well for me and my goals.

If we're being totally honest, I've done better than I would have done a month ago, or even a couple of weeks ago. I've successfully managed to stay away from sugar and w/in my points range, and even managed to keep myself from stress eating. This is pretty huge for me. No secret treats, no binges, no cart full of Easter candy at Target, no taking sips of Vegor's soda. This most recent attempt at my #7daychip has been really good for me, mentally (physically, too, but the mental is by far more difficult to overcome).

I didn't exercise yesterday, nor did I get all my water in (I think I hit about 96 oz., which is good, great even, but not my goal). I thought I might put off starting again until I can get some sleep, but if I can get a workout in today I'll be right back on track. I might make it through this more unscathed than I first assumed.

I do need to talk about how seriously proud I am of myself for not caving into stress eating. It's my biggest burden (and how I ended up eating old Little Caesar's last week--still grossed out by that) and challenge when it comes to eating. I am really good at following my plan, making healthy choices in all but two situations: emotional (usually stress, but sometimes loneliness) eating, and social situations. With the latter, I can throw down. Real, honest-to-god, binges. Whole pizzas. Cartons of ice cream. You get the picture. Then I wonder why I've gained 100 pounds in the last 8 years (not that all of my weight gain is related to this, but it certainly plays a big part). I don't think I fully realized this until last week. I've been so conscious of the food I eat, trying to make good decisions, healthy choices, that when I started eating a slice of cold, nasty-pizza--as fast as I could, while trying to make lunch for a battalion of screaming youngsters, I realized, in the moment, what I was doing. I don't think I've been aware of that before, knowing that I was eating to deal with something beyond my control. I mean, I knew that I did that, I've just not been cognizant in the moment.

So, yesterday, when I got a break from the screamer, I went to Target to pick up some baby ibuprofen and tylenol, and to just wander around in a fluorescent-lit, mass-retail stupor, I was really proud that I didn't throw a couple of bags of mini Cadbury eggs into my cart. That I didn't purchase a Snickers, or a Twix, or a myriad of other possible treats at the checkout. Because I wanted to. Badly. I could have eaten a bag of mini eggs in the car, and no one would have ever known. But I knew why I wanted it, and I knew that it wasn't a viable solution. The same happened at Wendy's when I picked up dinner for Vegor (I know. I'm a fast-food enabler). I stared down the frostys. I looked at his big cup of root beer, and I said no. Normally, I would have drank a third of it before getting home, but not a drop touched these lips. I did have a few of his fries, but I kept myself under control.

So, yeah. Despite the screaming, the no sleep, the lack of workouts--I feel good. I feel strong. I feel aware, and that's huge for me.

My OFC Weight Room Cherry

That's gross, isn't it? Maybe it's because I spent the last hour surrounded by what looked like the second string baseball team from Timpview High School. Adolescent boys, well, they're kind of the worst. It wasn't that they did anything, or said anything, but I just had these paralyzing reminiscences of high school life that made me entirely uncomfortable.

In high school, I always felt like I could hold my own, felt pretty confident, because I knew everyone and got along w/ them, and if anything, I knew I would probably have class with them and knew I was smarter and funnier than they were. There was always this crippling agony, though, of either being considered completely nonsexual--basically another dude, or as something hideous that people were making jokes about behind my back. It probably wasn't happening, I was likely not even on people's radar, but such is the life of a self-conscious being. Always assuming that people are talking shit on you. Or worse, being nice to your face so they can make fun of you when you're not around. Sad, isn't it, that's where I go in my interactions with people.

I can't say that I got over that as I got older (I really didn't), but after being married and having a kid, it has certainly gotten better. I feel pretty comfortable until I'm around groups of people and I'm alone, especially groups of men together or groups of women together. Then my mind instantly goes to "what do I look like? Are they making fun of me?"

Anyway--that's the not particularly clear, long-winded way of getting to the point: my weight-lifting workout sucked. I've sporadically lifted weights over the years, but have always felt uncomfortable/not confident, so combine that with a bunch of high school boys, and basically I spent the whole time feeling really self-conscious.

I made it through my workout, but not happily. Then all the cardio machines were in use, so I only worked out for a half hour (good thing I got a walk in earlier). I realized that I need a weight lifting buddy if I'm going to keep it up at OFC, otherwise I'm going to have to invest in some dumbbells and just do my lifting at home.

I am really proud of myself for going, I've worked out 3 days in a row now, and I also haven't had any sugar! I've kept up w/ my other goals as well, but those two are the hardest for me. I think the sugar thing is really helping with my inflammation problems, which may be reason enough for me to stay off for good (yeah, right).

Album of the Day
She and Him, Vol. 1
I haven't listened to this in ages, and I was trying to find something fun to sing to Evie today (she was having kind of a rough one). This fit the bill, and I probably listened to this song 5 times.

Day 6
"Whatever Tickles Your Fancy"
baby hacker

I'm guessing that this means I get to post anything I want. Which is weird (and there are quite a few of these days---methinks the creator of this 30 days was la-hay-zee). So, here's some adorable pictures of Evie. Chances are pretty good there will be a lot of these.

And I was RUNNING...

Do you wish you could write in the voice of characters from tv or movies? Yeah. I do. All the time. In which case, Forrest Gump would be narrating the title of this here post.

I killed it today. For real. Food. Exercise. Water. Goals. All of them, obliterated.

Let's start w/ food. Brekkie was greek yogurt (seriously, I want to do things that verge on the perverse with Chobani plain) w/ brown rice, strawberries and a little honey. Yogurt and rice might seem kind of gross, but let me assure you, peeps, it is very  much not. It was like a healthy strawberry shortcake for breakfast. What's not to like?

I snacked on popcorn (duh) that I sprayed w/ lemon juice and then put smoked sea salt and fresh ground black pepper on. As delicious as it was (and people upstairs could probably hear me moaning in pleasure) I've been fighting with a shell in my tooth all day long. Not even the water pick has been able to dislodge it. I think I'm going to give flossing another go and hope for the best. I wish they made kernel-less popcorn, because I always end up w/ the shells stuck in my teeth and it just makes me miserable.

For lunch I made a huge salad. Like, I put it in a mixing bowl huge. It consisted of spring mix, baby cucumbers, apple, blue cheese, and oven-roasted potatoes and butternut squash. I used one of those spray salad dressings in raspberry vinaigrette. It was stellar. I'm a huge fan of having warm and cool components in my salads, and this one was pretty near perfect. I have to say that post my vegan escapade, I've found the reason I wasn't able to stay, and it's yogurt and cheese. Not just any cheese, mind you. I can do w/o the cheddars and mozzarellas, but the tang and saltiness of blue cheese/goat cheese/feta were irreplaceable, and God knows I tried.

We had friends over to share dinner and watch the Sopranos (we're watching the whole series) and I made burgers, meaty ones for the men, Dr. Praeger's veggie for the ladies. I had mine on a multi-grain hard roll from Harmons and put avocado, mustard, barbecue sauce and tomatoes on it. This was my only processed carb of the day! The Dr. Praeger's burgers are average. They're vegan, which is a plus (I believe all processed "vegetarian" foods should be vegan, so that everyone can enjoy them. What's the point of making a veggie burger that a vegan can't eat? LAME.) but they're kind of mushy and a little bland. I bought a 16 pack at Costco the other day, though, so I'll be trying to make them work for awhile.

I drank all 120 oz. of water and more. For other gallon guzzlers, did you find that your pee frequency leveled off pretty quickly? I peed a lot the first day, but now I feel like I go pretty normally (thank goodness), which I'm sure you all really wanted to know.

Vegs came home from work a little early, which let me run BY. MY. SELF. No stroller, no diaper bag, no tiny tot needing consolation. Just me and the road. My goal is to do 2 C25K workouts when I run so that I get cardio for a little under an hour. Today I did 3.5 miles, and I'm averaging around a 15 minute mile, which is pretty good, considering it's factoring in quite a bit of walking (10 minutes on the warmup and cooldown, plus the walking in the workout itself). I'm definitely running faster than I was on the treadmill, and I can tell, because I wear out a lot quicker. I don't know how to slow down, though. I try, but then I feel like I'm just not moving at all.

The weather was perfect on my out run, a little overcast, a slight breeze, but still sun in the air. By the time I turned around, though, it was getting no fun. The breeze turned into a wind, which kept blowing dust in my eyes, and made the running significantly more difficult. The second half of this workout was nearly the death of me, but I did it, and I felt great when I got home.

Album of the Day
Beach House -- Teen Dream
This was for real the best album of last year. I probably listen to this a few times a month, which is a lot for me. I am obsessed with Victoria Legrand's voice. Please to enjoy.

Day 5
Your Favorite Quote
Sometimes I wish I were a quote-y person, but the truth is, I have a horrible memory, and at best I usually paraphrase an idea I'm clinging to remember. TV I'm pretty good at remembering (I know, what a marketable skill!) but, even that takes viewing something a few times. So, here are a couple:

"Your boos are not scaring me. I know most of you are not ghosts." Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock
"This is untoward! This is not toward!" Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock
"There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy." Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

That's enough, right?


Does anyone else get massive cases of the hiccups after a hardcore cardio workout? Man. It's like my lungs are getting smashed up my throat. Gross.

I did really well with all my goals today (ok, I still have 32 oz of water to drink, but that ain't no thing). I stayed within my daily points (with 2 to spare), though I wasn't too thrilled by my lunch (ended up sharing a piece of pizza with a pair of babies) as it ate up my processed carbs on something that wasn't even delicious (seriously, leftover Little Caesars? So not worth it). I'm beginning to see how people put on copious poundage after they have kids. It's a bite of mac and cheese here, a handful of goldfish crackers there, and then, what do you know? You've gained 100 pounds. I really need to be more conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth when I'm taking care of the babe and her peers. I'm fairly mindful everywhere else in my life (at least enough that I feel guilty when I go off plan).

Dinner was good. I made veggie rolls and miso soup. From scraaaaatch. Miso soup is the shiz, y'all. Big ol' chunks of tofu, seaweed and green onions. Delicious. I found a brown sweet rice that works really well for sushi, and add some avocado and cucumber and you have yourself a royal highness dish.

I found out yesterday that light popcorn (94% fat-free) is only 3 points for a whole bag. This is maybe the best news I've had since fruit. Yes, fruit in general. I'm a huge popcorn fan, and I'll eat the crappiest microwave version with a big old smile on my face, so being able to do that guilt-free, well, color me satisfied. I think tomorrow I'm going to add lime and black pepper. You know you want in on this.

In keeping with my other goals, I got in 30 minutes of exercise. I'd have done an hour if it weren't so late and I didn't feel like my legs were going to fall off my body. There's this machine at the gym, which, according to the internets is an "adaptive motion trainer." It rocks. I burn so many calories with this mother. 430 to be exact. While I exercised, I tried to work on some of my other goals.

Album of the day
My friend Joey was going on and on the other day on facebook/twitter about this band The Pains of Being Pure At Heart and I decided to take the bait. I'm so glad I did. This album, Belong, is exactly what my bones needed after this long day. Here. Enjoy.

Day 4
Your favorite book
To save you from more gushing about Angels in America, I think I'll go with Jonathan Safran Foer's "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close".

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: A Novel
Safran Foer is one of my favorite contemporary writers, and this book is such a sweet love story. I've probably read it five times. It might not be my absolute favorite, but it's certainly at the top of the list, and one that you may have not read, so, maybe I've added a new book to your list.

As long as I manage a little meditation before bed, this day will have been a pretty successful one. The nighttime gym trip is proof to me that I'm at least trying to be serious about this. 

Birfday Monf

Do you grow weary of my spelled out made up words? I apologize, I just find them so damn funny. So, in honor of my birthday this month (and yes, I'm the kind of girl who is in complete favor of spreading it out) I thought I would do a few things differently. First, I'm going to set some different goals for the month and see how well I can do at achieving them (I am outright stealing this from Colleen, and I don't care who knows it!). Second, I'm going to do one of those posting everyday for 30 days things I tried before but gave up on. A friend of mine (whose blog I lurk) found a much more reasonable one here and I'm going to do it. Lastly, I'm going to come up with a 30 before 30 list (it's blowing my mind that 30 is next year). Basically, you're gonna get a lot of me this month.

April Goals
1. Exercise every day. I want to be moving every single day for the rest of the month. More specifically, I would like to get in 4 major cardio workouts (1 hour plus) and 2 resistance workouts in every week, but my major goal is to move for 30 minutes every day, so if the others don't happen, that's okay, I can work up to the intensity as I get more accustomed to making exercising part of my life.
2. No sugar. With the exception of my birthday, no sugar/treats this month. Given the fact that I'm able to have as much fruit as I want (bless you, Points Plus) this shouldn't be a huge problem (I mean, it is, but it really shouldn't be). I'm going to give myself a complete free day on my birthday, but until then (and after then) no more treats.
3. One processed carb per day. This will usually be a bread or a pasta, since I'm not having any treats.
4. Listen to a full album every day. I really love music, but it tends to take a backseat to everything else in my life. There are at least 30 albums I am dying to listen to/haven't listened to in a long time/need to listen to to maintain sanity. This is a fun one, and I'm looking forward to it.
5. Meditate every day. I need this. Just 10 to 15 minutes every day where I can sit and think and get my shit together.

Those sound fun/appropriate/doable, right? They're also my new 7 day chip goals as I move forward toward my 100 day chip.

Since we're a few days into April already, I'll play a little catchup on my 30 days posts here.

Day 1
Your Favorite Song
I'll give you two, because I really couldn't be made to choose. Both are Paul Simon. Both have been in my life for a very, very long time.
(Isn't Paul like the most adorable dude, ever? Also. Art is effing HIGH. The audio/video don't sync exactly, but I don't particularly care.)

This second is a cover of Graceland by The Tallest Man on Earth, because he is similarly adorable, and because this cover might be as good as the original. And now I've officially introduced you to a new artist (unless you're already as cool as me and exclusively listen to hip, new music. *please note sarcasm here*) Seriously, though, everything this dude does is magical and golden.

Day 2
Your favorite movie
Technically, it's a miniseries, based on a play. Angels in America by Tony Kushner. It is my not so humble opinion that this play, and even the miniseries version of it, is the greatest piece of art to come out of the 20th century. I know. Strong words. I just find it absolutely perfect. If you have six hours or so to spare, I suggest going to the library and picking it up. It is soul crushing.

Mary Louise Parker is phenomenal. Al Pacino will blow your mind. I think it's his best role. As will Meryl. Gosh. Everyone. I think it's time for me to watch it again. That should probably go on my 30 before 30 list. It should probably go on my do this right now list.

Day 3
Your favorite television show.
TV holds waaaaaay too much sway in my life, so I cannot pick one. I can pick four. That's pretty reasonable, right? I actually think television programs when well done are better than movies, because they can develop so much more in the stories and characters. Each of these is genius in their own way. But each are absolutely phenomenal.

Mad Men

30 Rock
The Wire (warning, there's a lot of swears. Eff words galore.)
Treme (swears here, too. Copious effs.)

The Wire and Treme are both created by David Simon, who can do no wrong in my opinion. Both are such spot on social commentaries, and so gritty. I could go on and on, but I will just let them speak for themselves.

Ok. I'mma work on my 30 before 30 list, and I'll be back tomorry.

I'm Alive

I know I went missing this week. A few good reasons, a few based purely on laziness. I would like to say, here and now, that for once my hiatus is not filled with binges and disappointment. I rocked it this week.

Granted, I didn't rock it in the way I would, ideally. My exercising was not in the form of structured workouts, but my goal for this week was to move every day, and I did it. Sometimes it was a few crunches and squats before bed, but it was something!

I have successfully met all my 7daychip goals thus far (today completed day 5) this week. I'm really proud of myself, and these things seem to be making a pretty big difference in the way I feel. I'm really glad I switched it up midweek and changed my green drink goal to drinking 120 oz. of water every day. I am now realizing I was drinking nowhere near enough water before now. It helps keep me feeling full, and it gives me something to do w/ my hands and mouth (please, dudes, keep your minds out of the gutter, there's not room down here for all of us).

I was especially proud of myself this evening. We went to a party, and normally I'd have a few glasses of wine or a few beers or cocktails, and fill up on whatever snackables were around. Not tonight, friendos. I had my one glass of wine, which was all I could "afford" with my points, and that was it. I think from now on, that's how I'll go to parties, having used up most of my day's allotment, but leaving room for one, maybe two drinks.  I think this is a great idea for a few reasons. 1) It's really difficult to keep track of points on things like appetizers/hors devours, based on serving size alone, besides the fact that you're bound to eat more than you think.  2) Being all boozed up makes it harder to make reasonable choices, so having just a couple bevs means I can stay in control. 3) It forces me out of my socially awkward bubble (or more into it, depending on how you see it). Because I can't depend on being drunk or hanging out at the food table, I have to actually talk to other people. It's tough, but something I really want to be better at, so this is good for me.

Tomorrow morning is brunch at Communal again (I really love our Saturday morning dates). I'm pre-scanning the menu so I can make appropriate food choices (I try and do that every time we go out, but don't always stick to it). Let's hope I can keep with it!