30 Day Challenge: Day 1

"Something you dislike about yourself"

Uh-oh. With today's rotten attitude, this has the potential to go downhill, quickly. Rather than dwell on a bazillion things that I could go off on for days and days, I'm gonna just say that I don't like my negative attitude.

I really don't. I think that somehow, in the past 7 or 8 years, I've cultivated this persona that is just a royal bitch, and that's really not who I am. Unfortunately, it's now something that I rely on a little too heavily, and so it makes it more difficult to cultivate new relationships, because I think people automatically assume that I'm mean. I think part of it, too, comes from that old cliche of not being a bitch, but being shy. I'm not necessarily shy, but I feel really awkward having conversations with people I'm not really close to. I do great if there are other people to riff off of, but if I have to go it alone, I don't know what to say, or assume the other person wouldn't want me bothering them, so I just don't say anything, which comes off as bitchy.

Granted, I am a hater (something I do really dislike about myself) and I suppose a lot of that justifies the perception that I'm mean, but I've really tried to cut down my hating for things and people that really deserve it. I've tried to become more patient with people who have different likes and ideals and realize that I'm not always right (it is hard). But that's something that goes on internally, so it's hard to show people that I'm trying, or that I'm changing. It's not like you can broadcast it. No one believes a facebook update that says, "hey everyone, i'm not a bitch anymore." That would make things too easy.

I guess it can only come down to my individual relationships with people, I can stop dwelling in the negative and start emphasizing the good things in life. If you have any hints on how to be whatever the opposite of a bitch is, please, let me know!

2 comments:

  1. I feel the same way. I am someone who likes to talk, but feels completely awkward in a crowd and has a hard time making new friends. I let Nate do all my networking for me, but while he was in Iraq I met a woman who seemed too cool not to get to know.

    I suck at small talk, but, like you, realize that to skip it altogether makes one look like a smug B. So I walked up to her and said "Hi, my name's Erin. I suck at small talk. You seem cool. I want to have a farm someday, I grow my own food, I homeschool my children, don't eat HFCS, love foreign films, read "brainy" books, only ride a bike, and don't own a television."

    All me and my crazies laid out on the table!

    Then I said, "So if you're not opposed to any of those things, we should go have dinner sometime and have a chat." Totally worked. We are friends.

    So...my tip to you, lay it all out. If they hate you, they hate you. But at least you know it right off the bat. The mere fact that you said "Hi" proves you're not irreparably superior.

    ReplyDelete
  2. it's funny to me to hear you refer to yourself as a bitch, since you are the biggest secret softie i know. i find your surface standoffishness/secret sweetness incredibly endearing. (though i guess i would feel differently if i DIDN'T KNOW you were a secret sweetie. i admit that i was intimidated by you before i got to know you well.) as far as you being a "hater" goes... does it make me a bad person if i would not change that about you? because i don't think you are an ACTUAL hater. you are just funny. your wit can be slightly cutting, but it's not malicious. and it's one of the many reasons i love you so much.

    ReplyDelete